I wrote the text below five years ago. It’s fascinating trying to travel back in time and recognize the mindset I had back then.
Critical Play, Black Skin, White Masks, The Philosopher Kings. I am finally reading again. Not only did I have a terrible writer’s block for a long time, I couldn’t really read either. Well, I could read but I lacked the depth when I tried to encapsulate the words. They felt blank and without meaning, I understood less and less until I gave up. I read what I had to and nothing else. Now, I am slowly motioning back, ah why do I say back, I am moving towards a new relation with words, especially the English words, and I must say that I am enjoying it. It does feel nervous at times and my stuttering mind isn’t helping. Can I, Should I, I can’t, I don’t know, I don’t understand, There’s no point, Someone else can do it better, not me, why me, how, where do I begin, I feel nauseous.
I feel alone.
But it’s ok. Because when I think about it, reflect and suggest different timelines for myself I’m happy with this one. I do want to make changes eventually. Much needed changes for my happiness but the present is okay, it’s fine.
I can do this.
I struggle a lot with what I want to achieve in life. My expectations of myself and my recurring mind traps of only seeing the meaninglessness of it all. The pandemic hasn’t helped. I don’t really feel alone as I wrote above. Well not in the sense of being surrounded by my wonderful children and loving husband. Still in some ways I do feel alone. After my PhD I promised myself that I would find a great, big community where I could contribute and thrive in but I haven’t found it yet. And the current work-from-home situation hasn’t helped my search either. What I am happy about is this space I’m creating. It’s a great way for challenging my insistently linear ways of thinking. This space will give me room for creating alternative timelines. Timelines that doesn’t have to linear or closed-end systems. They don’t have to confine to any traditional time-space logic. I can roam free. I just have to let go. And create a pluriverse of my own.